


Hurtful Words and Judging Eyes

by GodOfDemons



Series: Pain I've Felt (Pairings for different fandoms) [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Gen, Hurt, Ina and Ani are Hinata and Kageyama's adopted kids, M/M, Mpreg, Only the kids, Suicide Attempt, Transgender!Oikawa, some OCs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2018-11-14 19:46:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11215014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GodOfDemons/pseuds/GodOfDemons
Summary: This is an idea I've had since before my Naruto stories and so I think I'll put it up here as well.Beware, there is going to some mentions of suicide and LGBTphobic.Oikawa is transgender (Female to male) and is into men.Some people might be a bit ooc so please don't hate!





	1. Introduction

Oikawa stared at the wall in front of him, his eyes lacking emotion. Why couldn’t anyone accept him, not even Iwa-chan gave a good reaction when he revealed the truth about him.

Was it so wrong that he believes that he should be a boy? And to love other boys?

Being born as a girl but to believes he should be a boy, was it so wrong?

He curled up, whimpering as he let tears he didn’t know he had been holding back slid down his face. His chocolate brown eyes spilling sad and painful tears. He holds back a sob, he didn’t need to worry his parents. They had helped him be able to be recognized as a boy, they even changed his name to the name he wanted to be called.

He wasn’t Oikawa Tora, he was Oikawa Tooru.

He just wanted to be who he was, Oikawa Tooru. He finally told the team after three years, it didn’t go well. Nobody supported him, not even Iwaizumi.

That’s what hurt the most.

The look of disgust and horror that Iwa-chan gave him hurt the most.

He didn’t cry.

He didn’t say anything.

He let them say their hurtful words and let their judging eyes strike him.

He left without a word.

He wasn’t going back.

He doesn’t want to go back.

He doesn’t want to be hurt.

He just wants to be who he was.

He cries silently as he remembers their words.

_“What? That’s disgusting!”_

_“You’re a girl! You’re supposed to be a girl! Why the hell do you want to be a boy!? That’s wrong!”_

_“Stay away you transgender homo! I wish we never met.”_

“Heh, Iwa-chan, am I really that disgusting? Am I really such a freak?” Oikawa whispers quietly, his chocolate brown eyes holding intense pain. He sits up, grabbing a change of clothes and going to the bathroom.

His parents thought he was going to take a shower. They didn’t notice his eyes were puffy. They didn’t know anything.

Little did they see the knife he held.

When they saw his wrists were slit, the blood was everywhere, no one would see him again.

At least for a couple years.

Walking down to his high school reunion, when everyone saw him they stared in shock.


	2. Hello

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://flunflun.tumblr.com/image/117072645856  
> This is Oikawa's haircut, he looks fucking hot with an undercut.  
> Plus, it's one of the changes he made to himself.

Oikawa entered the gym, running a hand through his hair. His black sweater hugging his body in an attractive way. Everyone stared at him, his eyes holding a cold painful look.

He popped his gum, looking around the gym with a neutral expression. Everyone looked at him, he walked to the refreshment table and grabbed a cup of punch. He drank it and everyone stayed silent.

“Go back to normal. Ignore that I’m here. I didn’t want to come but I was forced by Tobio-chan. So, for the next couple of hours, ignore I’m here cause like the rest of you, I don’t want to be here.” Oikawa says as he places his cup down, looking down at it as he let out a quiet exhale. He walked to the farthest corner of the gym and sat down, taking out his phone and headphones and placing one earbud in.

Everyone looked at him. They noticed that his voice was slightly deeper than it was before he left that day. They didn’t know what to say. Iwaizumi started to walk to him, Oikawa glancing up with hateful eyes.

“Don’t you dare try speaking to me.” Oikawa growls, his jaw starting to tremble as he glared. “Don’t you dare try to ask me anything. Don’t ask why I left. Don’t ask for anything.” He says turning his back to them all and clenched his hand into a fist. “Don’t try to pretend what happened didn’t happen.”

“Oi, Bakawa! Listen! Please! You disappear for years and suddenly appear out of the blue like this! Of course we have-” “Don’t bother. I refuse to let you hurt me anymore than you have.”

Iwaizumi flinched, Oikawa turning his head to glare at him. “I have been happy for these last few year, no thanks to you. To any of you! I became happy because of other people, people who accepted me!” Oikawa says, his voice raising as he stood up.

“You know what, I’m just going to go back. Ushijima is a lot more accepting than any of you.” Oikawa says, walking out of the gym leaving everyone stunned.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Oikawa walked on the familiar path, one that he always walked with his friends years ago. Winter was coming up, he should have grabbed a jacket and a scarf before leaving. Ushijima told him to, but of course as usual, he didn’t listen.

He looked up at the looming storm clouds above him, even though winter was approaching there were still rainstorms. He felt a raindrop fall on his face, muttering curses under his breath as he ran to a nearby shop to wait for the rain to stop.

He muttered about how cliché this was, looking at the store he had ran into. He looked around, walking through the aisles to see what there was. He grabbed an umbrella and a few other things to buy before leaving the store. He walked in the pouring rain under his umbrella and looked around.

He was going to get scolded if he got sick from coming back walking in the pouring rain. He knew that Hinata and Ushijima would be worried. Kageyama would scold him for not attempting to mend his relationship with the team.

He entered the house he grew familiar to, letting out a small greeting as he took off his wet shoes. He went to the kitchen, seeing Hinata and giving him a small smile.

“Grand king-san? What happened? Weren’t you supposed to be gone until five thirty?” Hinata asks, tilting his head confused and Oikawa winced visibly.

“I may have… Blew up. I’m sorry! Seeing them reminds me of what happened and-” “It’s fine Oikawa-sempai. I’ll tell Kageyama and make sure he won’t blow a fuse.” Hinata reassures him, Oikawa giving him a relieved smile.

“Thank you, Chibi-chan.” Oikawa says, ruffling Hinata’s orange hair. He walks up the stair to his room, standing outside of it and let out an angry groan. He walked a little down the hallway, standing outside another room and knocking on it.

“Yo, Ushiwaka, you there?” Oikawa asks, hearing shuffling and the door opened. Oikawa walked to Ushijima, wrapping his arms around his neck and kissing him. Ushijima kissed back, bringing him into his room, putting him on his bed before locking the door.

“Oi, fuck buddy, come back here. Fuck me senseless until I can’t remember what happened.” Oikawa snaps, Ushijima blinking in surprise before nodding. He walks over and as Oikawa said, fucked his senseless.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

“You know, if you love him, then tell him.” Ushijima says, Oikawa snorting as he looked at him. “I didn’t speak up and now Satori is missing like you did many years ago. No one knows where he is. Satori was judged by his looks and left. I didn’t realize until it was too late.” Ushijima says as he looks at the window that was their only source of light. “Don’t let an opportunity slip away.”

“Ushiwaka, you weren’t there that day. You didn’t hear all the things they said. I wanted to cry, but no tears left my eyes. So, Ushiwaka, let me live in despair.” Oikawa says as he raises an arm, looking at all the scars – old and new – on his arm. He lowered it, looking at the oldest ones on his wrist.

“They are the reason for these scars. I am a man, physically now, they will only judge me even more. I can’t stop the scars from coming, it’s the only to get their voices out of my head.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ushijima and Oikawa are fuck buddies.  
> Ushijima and Tendou will end up together, and now you know a bit about the past!  
> ... Don't hate me...


	3. Go The Hell Away!... Please...

Oikawa slept next to Ushijima, they both slept peacefully. While they were fuck buddies, they were also friends. Oikawa’s phone set off an alarm, both groaning and Oikawa grabbed it, turning it off with a yawn. He got out of bed, telling Ushijima good morning before grabbing his clothes and going to the bathroom.

He passed Kageyama in the hallway, it wasn’t unusual for one of them to suddenly be naked.

Hinata and Kageyama were married, they had Ushijima with them before Oikawa. Ushijima helped take care and teach their adopted kids, as well as work as a professional volleyball player with Kageyama and Hinata. Oikawa soon joined the picture, having gotten out of surgery two years ago, they almost didn’t recognize him. He was an astronomer and had more than enough time on his hands to take care of the kids when they were all away instead of having to bring them with.

They did ask why he wasn’t playing volleyball still, but after hearing what happened and knowing the truth, they don’t blame him. They got his new number and the kids adore Oikawa.

Oikawa entered the bathroom, throwing his clothes into the dirty clothes bin and stepping into the shower. He turned on the shower, not putting it on hot but icy cold. He shivered as he let the water slide down his body, not caring about anything as he trembled due to the cold water and the memories it brought.

_“Iwa-chan! I really, really, really like someone! But I know they don’t like me back. What should I do?”_

_“Give up on them and find someone else.”_

_“So cold Iwa-chan!”_

He felt a tear, not water, slide down his face. He slapped his cheeks, no, he wasn’t worth crying over. That man caused him so much pain.

He reached out and grabbed his razor, pressing it against his left arm and slicing through his own flesh. He felt warm blood spill from it and soon the feeling was replaced by cold water. He did it again, and again, and again.

The warmth of his blood was always replaced by the cold water. It dulled his senses. His lisp trembled as he let out a sob. He heard a knock at the door, followed by a small voice.

“Uncle Tooru nii-chan. Are you okay?”

He froze – No pun intended – as he looked towards where the voice came from, swallowing as he let out a quiet exhale.

“I’m fine Ina-chan! Tooru nii-chan was just thinking on how people don’t believe in aliens and got sad! They’re real Ina-chan! You believe me, right?”

“Of course I do Uncle Tooru nii-chan! I’ll talk to you later when you’re out of the shower!” Ina says as she leaves, Tooru letting out a sigh of relief as he switched the temperature to the right one.

He went ot his room, got dressed in a long sleeved shirt and sweatpants, before heading down to the living room.

“Uncle Tooru!” Two voices yelled in unison as two nine-year olds ran to him, embracing his torso with bright smiles.

“Ani, Ina, let Tooru nii-chan eat. I’m hungry since I didn’t eat dinner last night.” He says, patting their heads with a smile. They both nod eagerly and drag him to the table, he laughed as he sat in between them. He looked at their innocent smiles, Ina was more like Hinata and Ani was more like Kageyama. He looked at breakfast, toast, bacon, and eggs. He got some food and ate.

“We have to go to work, so you’ll be with Uncle Oikawa today, we’ll be home for dinner! Bye-bye darlings!” Hinata says, the three volleyball players leaving and the three staying back waved goodbye to them

“Uncle Tooru nii-chan! Park please?” Ani and Ina ask, Tooru looking at their cuteness and couldn’t help but agree.

They got ready to go, Oikawa just had to put on shoes and grab his glasses with a book and was good to go. The twins were able to get ready in record time and soon they were at a park.

“Be safe you two!” Oikawa yells as he sees them run towards the park. He lets out a content sigh as he sits down on a bench near the park, looking up every couple of pages to check on the twins.

“Tooru nii-chan.” Ani says, tugging on his sleeve, drawing his attention. “Mister Iwaizumi says he knows you and wishes to speak.” Ani says, pointing to where Iwaizumi was talking with Ina, playing with her in the sandbox.

The world froze as Iwaizumi turned to look at him, they both met each other’s gazes. Iwaizumi’s gaze was pleading, Oikawa’s was horrified, angry, and scared.


	4. Why Won't You Leave My Mind?

Oikawa stared at Iwaizumi, who stared back. Ina looked up and to Oikawa, standing up as she grabbed Iwaizumi’s hand and brought him over.

“Uncle Tooru nii-chan! This is Mister Iwaizumi! You never told me that you had any friends besides mama, papa, and Ushijima-sama!” Ina says, oblivious to the atmosphere like Ani.

“Y-Yeah… Ani, Ina, g-go play.” Oikawa says, mentally hitting himself for stuttering. “I’ll call you when we’ll go get some ice cream.” He says, standing up to face Iwaizumi in the eyes as the twins left. When they were out of listening distance, Oikawa let it out.

“Stay the fuck out of my life. I don’t want you back in it.” Oikawa says, Iwaizumi remaining unaffected. “Go away,” Oikawa began, again mentally hitting himself as his voice cracked. “After all I’m just a transgender homosexual. I’ll effect your mind with my homosexualisum.” He hisses, giving very obvious hints for Iwaizumi to screw off.

“That’s not a word.”

“Oh shut the fuck up!”

Oikawa hated feeling weak, he wanted to hit him, wanted to make him feel how he felt. He wanted so much to start yelling, but knowing that the twins weren’t that far away, and knew nothing about Oikawa’s past, he didn’t want them to find out this way.

“The twins, they yours?” Iwaizumi asks, turning to face the girls. Oikawa blinked in surprise, he thought he’d pressure him into talking. He gave Iwaizumi a suspicious look and Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow.

“Listen, I want to go back to how we were before,” Oikawa scoffed at that. “Please, what do I have to do to be able to speak to you again? Even if we just text, that’s fine. We don’t have to socialize in real life, I just want to be able to be a part of your life again-” “You got that privilege taken away the minute you acted how you did.” “What did I do!?” “You know what you did!”

Oikawa didn’t mean to scream it, he saw that some kids were looking at him, parents giving them worried glances.

“Just stay away.” Oikawa says. Before Iwaizumi could say anything else, Oikawa cut him off. “I still have your number if you haven’t changed it. All of the teams’. I’m going to leave now with my friends’ kids, and don’t you dare follow me.”

“I’m done feeling used.”

Oikawa called the girls over, holding each of their hands as they walked across the street, they kept walking until Oikawa was sure that Iwaizumi wasn’t going to follow them.

“Why are we taking the long way home?” Ina asks, Oikawa chuckling as he smiled.

“I just need some time to think and I enjoy walking.” Oikawa says smoothly, smiling sweetly as they head to a convenience store and bought ice cream.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

He gazed down at his phone, the chatroom he was about to make was of the old team. He let out a groan, his forehead on his knees as he began to have second thoughts. He let out a sigh and hit enter.

_Oikawa: I hate you all._

It was soon bombed with questions from his former teammates.

_Yahaba: Who’s this?_

_Iwaizumi: Oikawa?!_

_Makki: What?! Doesn’t he hate us?_

_Mattsun: The message we just got is a pretty good reason to assume it._

_Oikawa: I love you, You made me_

_Iwaizumi: Oikawa is this you? Please answer…_

_Oikawa: You gave me hate, see?_

_Kyotani: Sempai?_

_Oikawa: It was my heart_

_Makki: Listen…_

_Oikawa: It was my life_

_Yahaba: Can we all meet up someplace? We need to talk!_

_Oikawa: It was my start_

_Oikawa: it was your knife_

_Iwaizumi: Oikawa! Stop this! Please respond to one of us!_

_Oikawa: I feel so used_

_Makki: Listen, Oikawa, look we’re sorry! We were idiots! We all were!_

_Oikawa: All the shit we’ve been through, the pain just grew and grew_

_Mattsun: Please! Go back to normal! We’re sorry! Our parents made us think that way!_

_Oikawa: I used to be love struck, now I’m just fucked up_

_Iwaizumi: Oi… Baka, please, stop this…_

_Oikawa: Seems like all we had is over now, I can leave with my head down_

_Yahaba: Please! Listen to us! We want to see you again!_

_Oikawa: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUWQ5O5Tme8_

_Iwaizumi: … Wha…_

_Makki: Did we just get…_

_Mattsun: I think we did._

_Oikawa: My life story in the form of a song_

_Iwaizumi: Oh my god! You don’t know how happy I am that you’re actually communicating with us!_

_Oikawa: Goodbye_

_Iwaizumi: Wait don’t!_

Oikawa put his phone on do not disturb and looked at the time. He walked to the bathroom, a change of clothes in his hands as he took his second shower of the day. This time he didn’t use the blade, he just sighed and took a normal shower.

He got redressed and went downstairs for dinner, looking at the meat buns and fruit before them all. Ushijima had some chicken and rice, Oikawa wondered how someone would prefer chicken and rice over meat buns. Oikawa ate some meat buns, after that he read the twins a couple chapters of his science book, kissing their foreheads and tucking them in before leaving.

He went to his room, laying in bed as he tossed and turned. He rolled up his sleeves to look at all his scars, he’s lost count of how many he has. They go all the way to his shoulders, he even cut his thighs and calves every once in a while. He was covered in scars, he never showed anyone, minus Ushijima who is his fuck buddy so he sees his entire body while they fuck.

He sees how much Oikawa’s in pain, he comforts him and tries to help, but Oikawa pushes him away.

He grumbled a bit under his breath as he grabbed his phone to see that he had 50+ messages in the chatroom, other members no in.

_Oikawa: Go the fuck to bed. I’m trying to get over the pain I’m in._

He shuts off his phone and goes to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically the title is referring to Oikawa giving in to Iwaizumi's small plea to contact them.  
> Please enjoy my story! I have angst planned. :3


	5. To Reader-Sama

Helloz~!

It's the Goddess Of Demons here!

So, for the next chapter, should Oikawa forgive them, or no. I have some of it written but don't know if I want to have him listen to why they did those things and forgive them, or not.

You choose~!

I'm here for your entertainment~!


	6. Blood

It’s been two weeks since Oikawa set up the group chat. He went in it one time each day, mostly at night to tell them to shut up and let him sleep, though he reads all the messages. He doesn’t forget their words. The words that make scars appear, the words that harm him so much.

He wants to forget the feelings he had back then, the comfort and happiness they brought him that had been shattered in an instant. Their words shattered his heart, his confidence, his love.

He cuts deeper and deeper into himself.

He marks his legs and thighs each message that he read from the chat.

He marks his arms even more with every feeling of pain his heart feels from reading the messages.

He passed out once, but Kageyama heard the thud and was able to take him to the hospital without the girls knowing.

They don’t know.

They will never know.

Oikawa won’t tell them about the pain he feels.

The next day he deletes the chat.

The day after he wakes up with a groan. He had to meet up with a co-worker for his second job.

He was currently meeting a fellow coworker from his second job at a café. He was reading the next chapter in his book, not paying attention to anyone around him. He was wearing his galaxy themed jacket, a pair of black jeans, and a pair of boots. His glasses were on and girls around him were fawning over him.

“Tooru!” An excited voice yells, sitting down in front of him was a silver haired half Russian. Oikawa looks up, giving Lev a small smile as he put his book away. Lev begins to chat cheerfully as they decide what to order. Oikawa caught a familiar person, out of the corner of his eye, in fact a team worth of people.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Oikawa sat in-between Makki and Iwaizumi, mentally reminding himself to kill Ushijima when he got home.

Ushijima had told Oikawa to go someplace else to handle this fight, after spending some bonding time with them.

That was the IOU that Oikawa had given him.

He was currently in a murderous mood because of it.

They were currently in a restaurant, since they interrupted Oikawa’s brunch with Lev, who said he’d text the details to Oikawa later.

Oikawa was refusing to acknowledge them, his lips just in a thin pursed line with his eyes glaring at everything he looked at.

“Oikawa-sempai-” “Say another fucking word and I’ll cut your tongue out of your fucking mouth.” Oikawa interrupts Kindaichi, who flinched at Oikawa’s sharp gaze and angry tone. Everyone stiffened at their former captain’s words, Oikawa obviously not looking happy.

“Don’t say anything. I know that you all came here because you felt guilty, well rest assured, that the boy that you made attempt suicide many times is alive.” Oikawa says, more of a growl as he sassed it a bit.

They all looked at him with genuine shock. Oikawa rolled his eyes. “Nice acting, where’d you learn it? I could take a few classes to act when I’m not busy bleeding to death.” Oikawa says oh to sweetly. His long sleeved shirt hiding the many bandages wrapped around his arms, hiding his pain and the scars he has.

Iwaizumi just looked at Oikawa, still processing what happened. His vision began to get fuzzy, he swayed a bit.

“We didn’t know.” Iwaizumi says, Oikawa laughing as if he just heard the funniest thing ever. “Oi, Oikawa, we’re serious.”

“Hi serious, I thought your name was bitch.” Oikawa says, looking at his nails – they were also galaxy themed. Iwaizumi wonders how much galaxy things Oikawa has – and ignores the others starting to protest.

“You knew! My parents told me they told you, and you didn’t care! I had told you something only my parents had known about! My older siblings didn’t even know!” Oikawa snaps back. “They told me that you all just brushed it aside!” Oikawa’s eyes started to prick with tears.

He stood up, he was reaching his limit to how much he could handle. He turned around and left.

If Ushijima dared to question him why, then Oikawa would tell him to go fuck himself because he wasn’t in the mood.

His emotions really took control of him most of the time.

He hated them! He wants them to feel what he felt!

…

But at the same time… He wants them. He wants to hug them, yell out and scream, wanting to fall to his knees and cry in front of them. He wants them to comfort him like before, when they all were a team.

He looks back at his phone before sighing. Maybe he should apologize, it was pretty rude of him. He sent a quick text to Mattsun’s phone, it was a quick “I’m sorry about what happened in the restaurant. Ice cream at the park tomorrow at two?”

He didn’t get a reply that night, making him hold the knife to his wrists again.

But this time, he placed it down.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

“Hi there! My name is Oikawa Tooru and I’m here to talk with all of you about what happened.” Oikawa says, sitting in the circle of people from nine to eighteen.

“If anyone wants to share what happened with them then feel free. If anyone wants to know what happened to me, then just ask.” Oikawa says, crossing his legs as he looked around. The youngest, a nine year old, put her hand up. Oikawa nodded, letting the little girl speak.

“My mommy and daddy used to hit me a lot. They said I shouldn’t have even been born.” The child says, looking down uncomfortably. Oikawa gave her a reassuring smile, nodding as everyone else began to share their stories.

Oikawa worked with a group, he was their therapist to help them. For the first week, he’d help them together as a group, then individually for more private things.

The clock chimed an hour later, telling Oikawa to let Suga handle the rest. Oikawa stood up, telling everyone goodbye and giving them a hug, before letting Suga in and handling the rest. He passed Daichi, Lev, and Kenma on the way out. Kenma looked at him nervously before looking back at the computer.

Outside was Mattsun with his phone, biting his lip as he looked up and saw Oikawa. Oikawa reminded himself to remain polite and smile.

Oikawa walked over to Mattsun, his briefcase by his side. Mattsun opened his mouth to say something, hesitating before closing it.

“So… Ice cream?” Oikawa offers quietly, willing to push aside everything and try forgiving them.

But he needs to start small.

One at a time.

And Iwaizumi had to be the last, and could not know anything about what was going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here we go! Lev is here! Daichi and Suga own the therapy place and Kenma is their technician. Lev helps the younger kids and is also a fitness trainer.  
> Oikawa wants to save Iwaizumi last because, well, how do you think Oikawa feels after liking Iwaizumi for years and then hating him for being himself, rejecting Oikawa because he was trans and gay. Oikawa was hurt the most by Iwaizumi because his heart was shattered, the others were like 1 damage and Iwaizumi was like 100 damage. He is still hurt by them even if it's just 1 damage.


	7. Sweet Things and Chicken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my wonderful beta reader, @PrincepPerdut! You are so kind my friend.

Chapter five, Sweet Things and Chicken

Oikawa walked with Mattsun towards a store, Oikawa making small talk with the owner of the shop and asking about how his husband was and other small things.

Oikawa got an ice cream bar and Mattsun got a popsicle. They walked a familiar path, one that they used to walk to go to an arcade to play games with the others. Kyotani would always try to beat Iwaizumi in any game, but always lost.

Oikawa looked at Mattsun, who stayed quiet as he quietly ate his popsicle. “So, Mattsun, you and Makki?” Oikawa asks, Mattsun nodding and looking at Oikawa as he threw away his trash.

“And if I may ask, do you still like Iwaizumi-san?” Mattsun asks, Oikawa stopped walking as he looked at him, confused yet serious.

“I… I don’t know. Ever since what happened my heart has never had a say in anything I do. Though I enjoy my jobs, my heart is never into anything because I am damaged to the point where I can’t care.” Oikawa says, sighing as he rubbed his arms.

Mattsun blinked in surprise and looked away ashamed. “… You know, we really do want to make up for what we did.” Mattsun says, Oikawa merely humming acknowledgement.

“Mattsun, I contacted you to try and slowly patch things up. But I will not allow you to try and rush me.” Oikawa says. Mattsun sighed and looked at him sadly.

“We didn’t know. We never knew that you tried to kill yourself. Please, Oikawa, Iwaizumi wants to make it up to you. We know that he hurt you the most, and… well… we know we were all idiots. Please Tooru. Let us explain everything, let us be a part of your life again.” Mattsun says, looking at him with pleading eyes.

“I am trying to let you be a part of my life again! I am here talking to you, so please, don’t ask me to let others in, haven’t you ever heard of trauma?” Oikawa snaps back, looking at him with cold eyes.

Mattsun shivered under the gaze, the look that used to be for the team across the court. He now knew how some of the others felt.

He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Mattsun stayed silent, sighing as he changed the subject to something else.

Oikawa went along with it, they walked around the area a couple times, always getting some sort of snack, eating it and chatting about things.

“Mattsun?!” A familiar voice called out, Makki looking at them surprised. “Oikawa?!”

Mattsun innerly groaned, as much as he loves Makki, now was not the time to have popped out of nowhere.

Makki walked over, his expression confused and wanting to know what was going on. “We’re catching up. Feel free to join us.” Oikawa says, Makki and Mattsun looking at him surprised as they followed him.

They talked about college, they talked about their love lives – both Mattsun and Makki surprised that Oikawa was fuck buddies with Ushijima – they talked about their jobs, then finally-

“Why did you say those things to me?” Oikawa asks them, stopping in front of an empty bench. “Why did you say those hurtful words? Why are you saying you didn’t know about my suicide attempt?”

Mattsun and Makki sighed as they sat down.

“We were idiots. We said those things because that wasn’t normal. Our parents said those mean words whenever that topic came up. We really didn’t know about your suicide attempt. We were never told of any of it. You disappeared and we thought you moved away. We were worried, we… We tried contacting you but it said that your number was out of service.” Mattsun says, sighing as Oikawa stayed quiet.

“But I never changed my number.” Oikawa whispers, closing his eyes as he thought back.

_ “They said they hated you.” _

_ “They didn’t want to see you.” _

_ “If they haven’t contacted you by now they aren’t your real friends.” _

_ “Don’t worry. Mommy and daddy will always be there for our baby girl.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone wanna take a guess for anything~?


	8. If Everyone Cared

_ Ushiwaka never knew anything, I didn’t tell him. Neither did I tell anyone else. They were all there, within my grasp of contact, within my grasp to ask for help. _

_ But I didn’t say anything, I pretended everything was fine, I pretended everything was normal. But behind the scenes, everything was not fine. _

_ I pulled aside one of my friends not on the volleyball team, I told them my secret. _

_ “Ren-kun, I’m bigender.” _

_ “What’s bigender?” _

_ “It means sometimes I feel like a girl and a boy.” _

_ “Wait, so, you feel like a chick sometimes?” _

_ “Yes, but-” _

_ “Get away from me.” _

_ “Wh-What? Ren-” _

_ “Don’t touch me you fag!” _

_ Ren slapped my cheek, it turned a bright red color. Ren ran away, leaving me alone and terrified of what just happened. _

_ He called me later that night to apologize, he said it was because it was all so sudden and new to him. I forgave him, he said he’d keep it a secret. _

_ But he didn’t. _

_ It was Friday and I don’t leave much during the weekends, and so on Monday, when I went into my classroom, on the chalkboard were hurtful words. _

**_“Fag!” “Monster!” “Creepy!” “Weird!” “Stupid!” “Mentally ill!” “Gross!” “Ugly!” “Fat!”_ **

_ I stopped reading them as I turned to walk to my desk, only to see it was written all over and destroyed. I stood in front of it, my heart pounding so loud I was afraid everyone would hear it. Everyone stayed away from me, whispering behind my back that I was mentally ill. _

_ I wasn’t, I’m just unique, I guess… _

_ I managed to stay happy and convince the team I was fine, though Ushiwaka almost got me to tell them the truth. I had been staring off into space, thinking of ways to avoid people so I wasn’t physically targeted again. The bruises were hard to cover up, my legs hurt, my ass was sore(it didn’t help with me playing volleyball) and it was a bit hard to breathe. _

_ Ushiwaka asked if I was alright, asking if I was hurt. I laughed my usual laugh and smiled, telling him that I didn’t get much sleep last night due to me playing video games. _

_ I wish I told him what really happened. _

_ A couple weeks later when I returned home one day, my father went to me and slapped my face. My mother was giving me a disapproving look, and I knew what was going on. _

_ They found out. _

_ After that day, I had to hide more bruises and mental beatings, not crying in front of any of them until I was alone in my room. I covered each bruise with a heavy layer of concealer. I hated it, I wanted to run to my team, cry, ask them for help, to be held in Ushiwaka’s arms as they comforted me. _

_ But they had their own problems, and I wasn’t about to be a burden to them. A wonderful team that would always be my friends. _

_ One day, I had enough. I packed all my things into a duffle bag, since my parents took away most of my leisure things, so everything really did fit in my one duffel bag. When I was sure my parents were asleep, I fled the tortuous household. _

_ I ran, I didn’t know where I was running to, but I just ran. _

_ For about a week I lived on a bench at the park, before one of our rival school’s teammates appeared. He had silver hair and a beauty mole under his eye, he asked what happened and I just broke down crying. I told him everything that had happened, sobbing into his chest as I told him the worst of it. _

_ He took me to his house, where his parents welcomed me, he told them what had happened, and they kept me safe and enrolled me into an online school for the rest of high school. He played volleyball with me from time to time, but still, I still didn’t feel safe. _

_ But I was safe, nobody could hurt me as long as I stayed inside. He said that his parents absolutely love me, but I know that it’s just from the pity. _

_ I started slicing my wrists. _

_ It really hurt the first time, promising myself not to do it again, but I did. I couldn’t stop, seeing my blood leak out of my body reminded me that I was alive, that I was human. _

_ When I got enrolled into college, I went with him and soon saw a familiar face. _

_ “Grand King?” _

_ He looked over at me, he had cut his hair, it looked nice but something was different. He looked over at me surprised, Suga telling him hello. _

_ He walked over, pulling down his sleeves to his jacket a little bit more, holding out his hand to shake and I shook my head no. _

_ Later on during college I told Grand King, he was furious, he asked for their names but I didn’t give them. I told him it was in the past, that I didn’t care anymore. _

_ He said that was bullshit. _

_ He saw through my disguise, told me that after college and right now, he’ll help keep away Ushiwaka, who visited him from time to time. He told me what happened to him, that he was getting some surgeries done, and that if I needed any help with anything, to call him. He gave me his number and every time I felt like dying, I called. I told him what I was feeling, told him that I wanted to leave this world behind. _

_ He told me that he knows what I’m feeling. He came over later one night to the apartment me and Suga shared, took off his jacket and showed his scars. _

_ There were more than what I had done to myself, he told me he knows what I feel. I looked forward to his weekly visits, me and him would talk about the randomest things. We would talk, he would let me feel his scars, and in return, I let him know more about what happened during high school. _

_ He would always listen to what I said, to what I felt. _

_ Even after graduating college he still came over once a week to talk. I enjoyed them, and eventually Suga opened up his own little therapy/counseling/psychiatrist place. Oikawa joined and I would always be the special patient that he came to me for, instead of me going to him. _

_ We would chat about nothing still, but sometimes it turned serious. I answered everything he wanted, and at the end I’d be crying and he’d be comforting me. _

_ Suga was there for me when Oikawa got busy with everything, as well as keep everyone off my track. _

_ I got a job as an online tutor, teaching people either Japanese, English, Math, etc. _

_ I took many courses in college so I could teach whatever I wanted, and I still do. It’s a good job, I get paid well and my students do their work, at least, most of them. _

_ They’re good kids. They just need… to focus more about their future instead of things like sex. That can happen when they're older, but right now, they don’t need to worry about it. _

_ Grand King always answers my calls, whether he’s doing work or if he’s talking to someone, he always puts me first. _

_ It’s touching really, that someone finally cares enough to put me first. _

_ I always yearned for this, to never have to leave the house and do my work at home, so no one can call me a monster. So no one can pick on me for my size. So no one can judge my gender. _

_ So no one can hurt me again like they did. _

A yawn escaped chapped lips, dark red eyes fluttering open as he sat up on the bed. He looked around his room, standing up as he rubbed his eyes.

“Good morning Suga-san,” He says as he yawned once more. “And good morning to you as well Oikawa.”

Oikawa grinned at him as he waved, munching on a granola bar as he held his phone. Suga was making pancakes, giving him a sweet smile.

“Wait… What are you doing here Oikawa?” He asks once he could focus properly. Oikawa gave him a sheepish grin, chuckling nervously as he finished his granola bar.

“I crashed here last night, I had gotten back from talking with some of my old… friends. I needed somewhere to crash, since Hinata and Kageyama would pester me until I told them what I was doing and why I was out so late.” Oikawa explained as he laid on the couch, putting his arms under his head as he stared at the ceiling.

He sighed as he sat on the armchair near the couch, pulling his legs to his chest. “You really think you’re going to get out of it from them? When you get home you know they’re going to bombard you with questions.”

Oikawa shuddered at the thought, groaning as he looked at him. “Tendou is so cruel, he doesn’t let me pretend to escape reality.”

Tendou chuckled as he ran a hand through his red hair. “No one can escape reality, it’s one of the things that nothing can escape from. A bit depressing isn’t it?”

“Like our lives?”

Tendou laughed as he nodded.

“Like our lives.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long everyone! Family stuff came up and got distracted by other things.  
> But I'm back~  
> And there are some darker things then what you think in this chapter. Hope you read it carefully.


	9. A/n

I am still writing for the story! It'll take a while because of school and other fics(I'M SORRY) but be prepared and I plan on having a Kageyama chapter next. Then back to the usual plotline.

Thank you for those who have stuck around and for those who are new. And thank you for reading!!


	10. Strange Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit about Kageyama and Hinata, Oikawa should be coming next chapter.  
> Un-beta'd.  
> Hope you enjoy.  
> Also, for Hinata and Kageyama they dind't really change from calling each other their seperate last names, but they call each other their first names too. Both first and last names are used with them. Just an fyi.  
> Also, if there's anyone else you wanna somewhat see then leave their name in the comments below.  
> Edit:  
> Come join my discord!!! (It's LGBTQIA+ friendly and come chat with me!! https://discord.gg/x2RyKXV Here's the link if you wanna come!! It's for everyone and anyone is welcome!!)

_ Kageyama let out a sigh as he ran a hand through his hair, trying to get the red head out of his mind. It was annoying, Hinata was always there even when he wasn’t. He made Kageyama feel sick. _

_ His stomach felt weird, his heart twisted and it was always worse whenever Hinata smiled at him. Kageyama hated this feelings. _

_ He grabbed his laptop, typing away at the keyboard as he began to figure out what was going on with him. It was still there even when they parted. _

_ [heart twisting and stomach feels weird when someone is around] _

_ He hit enter and groaned. Ughh… Google was zero help this time. Either he’s dying or it’s something else. _

_ Kageyama went with the latter. His doctor said he was perfectly healthy and fine. He wasn’t dying, no matter what Google told him. _

_ It wasn’t - he glanced at the screen again - heart attacks. He was for sure not having heart attacks. _

_ He sighed as he leaned back, covering his face with his hands. What the hell was wrong with him? It hurt so much yet, it felt so good. He wanted to know what the hell is going on, and why does Hinata make it worse every time he sees him. _

_ Kageyama sighed as he closed his laptop, putting it on his side table and curling up under his blankets. He tried to sleep, but the familiar redhead would not leave his mind. _

 

“Tobio!” Hinata called out, Kageyama blinking out of his daydream as he turned to face his husband. “Are you done with the laundry?” Hinata asked, Kageyama looking at the basket of unfolded laundry in front of him, staying quiet. Hinata looked at the basket and chuckled. “Need some help?” Hinata asked as he smiled softly, shaking his head amused as Kageyama picked up a shirt.

“I got it Shoyo, you can go relax a little with the twins, I’ll do this as fast as I can.” Kageyama says and Hinata sighs but nods, pecking Kageyama’s lips before walking upstairs to the twin’s room.

Kageyama watched him leave, the familiar feeling in his chest made him smile. He wonders how could he have been such an idiot when he was younger. He began to fold the clothes as he put them in their separate piles, once again his mind drifting off.

 

_ Their third year, a match against Nekoma, which had made Hinata very excited to go against Lev. They had won the match, and he’s surprised he didn’t go deaf from all the noise. _

_ Kageyama was out of breath, the roar of the crowd drowning out his teammates cheers. He looked at Hinata, who was still pumped on adrenaline and they locked eyes. Kageyama’s heart twisted again, but this time, he had a guess to what was it was. _

_ He focused on the feelings in him. It was fuzzy and warm, yet it was strong and powerful. It hurt, but he liked it. _

_ That night he grabbed his laptop and nervously typed away on the keyboard. _

_ [signs of love feelings] _

_ He clicked on the first link an read what it said. As he read the article, he began to relate the feelings to the signs in the article. _

_ Everything matched up perfectly. _

_ He was in love.. _

_ He was in love with Hinata Shoyo. _

_ Kageyama didn’t do anything about it for weeks. He was carefully planning his next move, what he was going to do, what to say, everything. _

_ He finally mustered up enough courage at one of their usual sleepovers. Hinata was watching a movie while eating some popcorn, the light of the screen was the only light source in the room, Kageyama could barely focus on the movie when such a beautiful person was next to him. _

_ “Hinata,” Kageyama starts casually, pretending to focus on the movie. Hinata hummed in acknowledgement, his eyes not leaving the tv. Kageyama took in a deep breath before continuing, “I have something important to tell you,” He began slowly, his heart pounding like drums in his chest. “It could affect our playing,” that grabbed Hinata’s attention, tearing his eyes off the tv. _

_ God he really wanted to kiss him right now. Hinata’s expression was confused and so adorable. Kageyama wanted to claim Hinata’s lips and to be the one to hold Hinata’s hand until he dies, to be the one that Hinata says ‘I love you’ to. _

_ Kageyama paused the movie, looking Hinata straight in the eyes, his throat feeling dry and clenching up. _

_ “I love you Hinata.” _

_ Kageyama watched as Hinata’s eyes widened slightly in surprise, a light blush spreading across his cheeks as he looked away. _

_ “I love you Hinata. I want to kiss you so bad, I want to hold you,” Kageyama continued, Hinata’s blush darkening. “I want to be the one that you love.” _

_ Hinata stayed quiet for a few minutes, refusing to meet Kageyama’s gaze. Kageyama feeling his heart starting to hurt, but not in a good way. Was this what rejection felt like? Now he fucked it up by confessing- _

_ “I like you too.” Hinata says quietly. “Romantically.” He quickly added, slowly lifting his gaze to Kageyama. _

_ They finished the movie in a cuddle pile, Hinata resting his head on Kageyama’s chest, both with happy, lovestruck smiles. _

 

Kageyama picked up his and Hinata’s clothes, placing them in a basket, the twin’s in another. He picked the baskets up and walked upstairs, dropping his and Hinata’s clothes off in their bedroom, walking to the twin’s room. He opened the door to see Hinata drawing with the twins on the table, smiling softly at the sight. Hinata looked at him, giving him a bright smile, walking over and Kageyama kissed Hinata’s forehead before putting away the twin’s clothes with him.

He’s really happy that he married this man. He is proud of what they became.

**Author's Note:**

> Will be more soon!


End file.
